


your morality was questionable, my dear(but i am just as in love with your lost soul anyway).

by lilys_bananas_coven



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Cigarettes, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, Love Confessions, Murder, Nervousness, Past Abuse, Romantic Angst, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilys_bananas_coven/pseuds/lilys_bananas_coven
Summary: Finding out the truth about Mildred's past and the lives she has taken in the name of mercy invokes many feelings in both Gwendolyn and the woman in question. But things usually work out when two people are hopelessly in love.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 13
Kudos: 59





	your morality was questionable, my dear(but i am just as in love with your lost soul anyway).

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Comicbooklovergreen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comicbooklovergreen/gifts), [WildnessBecomesYou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildnessBecomesYou/gifts), [CommanderInChief](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderInChief/gifts), [ithinkyourewonderful](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithinkyourewonderful/gifts), [sivanpoem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sivanpoem/gifts), [Franhoauses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Franhoauses/gifts).



> Everyone thirsting over Mildolyn has made it PRETTY CLEAR that AHS fics are past their prime and that depresses my ass that was so late to the party sjdnns slaving over Asylum fics when y'all really want Ratched content rn I- I'm a clown 💀
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this everyone! Just a little bit of exploration into their feelings in such a situation :)

"An angel... Of mercy."

The words taste different on Gwendolyn's tongue as she says them now, equipped with a new understanding of what they really mean.

Mildred repeatedly shifts around in her seat, unnerved by the silence of the woman before her. She watches as Gwendolyn lights herself a cigarette, motioning to offer her one as well. She's not much of a smoker, but she's nervous. She nods. With the cigarette between her lips, she leans forward slightly, allowing Gwendolyn to light it for her. After the first puff, she feels a little better. Only a little. She can't bring herself to look into the eyes that she would love nothing more than to get lost in and never be found. Gwendolyn's eyes, stained with the pigment of pure adoration and love devoid of condition, are currently disarming her soul.

"I'm not upset with you, Mildred," Gwendolyn finally says. Smoke curls around her words in wispy clouds.

Mildred feels strangely about this confession, but before she can really process anything, her body naturally relaxes. She's relieved. She's so, so relieved. Gwendolyn doesn't hate her. But she hadn't said those words. Could she be not upset with Mildred and still hate her? Is she trying to make peace with her before she decides to cut her off completely and pretend she doesn't exist? She's a  _ murderer,  _ because even if she felt she was doing right by those souls, she is a murderer to the world. And the world is what matters more than herself, right? If Gwendolyn exists in the world, then the world matters more than she does. Tears sting at her eyes and she can do nothing to stop them from falling. Thick clouds of smoke blow past her lips in a shaky exhale, and she distinguishes her cigarette in the ashtray, fingers trembling.

"Mildred, darling. Hey..." Gwendolyn coos softly, moving from her seat across from the woman to sit herself right beside her.

A sob wracks through Mildred's body in a way she can't get ahold of, shaking when Gwendolyn wraps her arms around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"I'm not upset, Mildred. I understand. I do, I really do," she whispers, tears wetting her tone. She holds Mildred tighter.

"I- I've done abominable things, Gwen- I-" Mildred can't breathe. Fear and sadness and the darkest sinking feeling seem to overcome her body, controlling her limbs like she's a puppet on a string.

"Mildred, look at me. Look at me, darling. Look at me," Gwendolyn whispers, her voice in the softest she can muster, hands cupping Mildred's face to allow their gazes to meet. 

When Mildred can muster the strength against whatever darkness has her soul in shackles, it's those eyes that bring her back to life. Her touch is warm, seeping through the fabric of her clothes. Her scent is sweet and womanly, slithering its way into her senses so well she can almost taste it. But it's Gwendolyn's eyes, like bottomless pools of unspoken emotions that cannot find themselves in words, like the colour of compassion painted in just the right shades. Like safety. Metal clangs loudly against the floor; the shackles of anxiety release her. She's safe. It's written in the woman's piercing gaze, nestling the words deep into her heart where they belong. 

"I'm here, Mildred. I know the truth about your past now, and I'm glad you've been so honest with me. But if you're scared that I'm leaving, don't be. Don't be," Gwendolyn murmurs, burying her face into the crook of Mildred's neck. She plants a soft kiss there, to punctuate her words with affirmation.

Mildred stops crying in the passing minutes. She allows herself to be held by Gwendolyn, to be caught in such a protective hold. Where had this been all her life? Was she so undeserving of safety as a clueless, damaged child? Why hadn't anyone made her feel truly safe in her decades of age, until now? Gwendolyn holds her like she is the only thing worth caring about in the world, or even the universe as a whole. Mildred doesn't really know how that feels, but somehow she does. The woman's warm exhales tether her to reality. She feels immensely comforted. But something about the way Gwendolyn hides, almost vulnerably, against her body, makes her wonder if she's in need of the same. Mildred shifts slightly, allowing herself more space to wrap her arms around the woman who keeps her heart. 

"Gwen, I'm so sorry I'm like this," she mutters. She's glad that the woman isn't looking at her right now, for she fears she might break again. 

"Don't apologise, Mildred. No one has ever treated you right for your whole life. The world should be apologising to you," mumbles the latter, lips brushing against the warm skin of her neck as she speaks. 

Gwendolyn finds her feelings scattered across the entire spectrum of emotional affairs. She cannot deny that she's frightened, even if only in the slightest. Mildred has killed people, on purpose. That's not exactly something common or accepted by society. And she is not society, but she is human. The human in her is a little scared. But the blind lover she also is still sees Mildred like nothing has changed. She is not overlooking danger. Mildred is not dangerous. She's broken. Lost. And Gwendolyn wants to help pick up those pieces, even if her hands bleed from the shards of a past filled with tragedy, because those scars will heal into the most beautiful future. 

In life, most people are blessed, whether they appreciate it or not, with shoes and lampposts to walk the cobblestone path. They don't hurt their feet walking, and there's always light no matter what. Most people. Where Gwendolyn had been guided so easily to grow up into a wonderful woman, Mildred suffered. Mildred made herself into something by trekking through the unforgiving forest without light, without shoes to protect her soles. She got lost a long, long time ago and is only being found now. When one lives worrying about life or death, with no one to guide them, many things become more important than right or wrong. Mildred has had to build her own path, digging into the dirt with her bare hands to create any kind of direction. In the dark, in the rain, in solitude. Mildred has had no one. Until now. She wishes Gwendolyn could understand how much she means to her; the woman had appeared like the first light in her dark life, easing her, if only slightly, from the daunting loneliness of not belonging to the world. 

"You treat me right," Mildred says, running her fingers through Gwendolyn's light coloured hair. 

"You deserve more. You deserve better," Gwendolyn whispers, arms unmoving from their place around Mildred's frame. 

"If I really deserve that... Then could I- could I have you?" 

Gwendolyn's eyes fill with tears on their own accord. She leaves the hideaway under Mildred's jaw, needing to see her face. Those words, they're... They're overwhelming. A flurry of emotion flushes through her body, through the rise of every invisible strand of hair on her body, through the heated blood under her skin, through the uncontrollable shiver; she's shaking with euphoria. And Mildred's eyes, oh, her honey hued gaze, it's absolutely everything in this world that matters. It's Mildred. It's only Mildred. 

"Yes, yes- that would be my dearest pleasure, Mildred. I'm lucky beyond words to have you, darling," Gwendolyn cries, tenderly resting her forehead against the latter's. 

Mildred sniffles, shakily laughing. She closes her eyes, basking in the warmth of having someone so very wonderful this close to her. Gwendolyn is akin to an angel who walks the earth, her angel. 

"I never thought... I never thought that I'd ever find someone- someone who would love me for what I am," she confesses in hushed tones, as if being any louder would shatter the bubble of intimacy they've found themselves in. 

"You're no more than a misguided soul, Mildred. You're no bad person. You're no monster," Gwendolyn whispers, fingers holding Mildred's jaw with a gentle firmness, "so don't you ever feel that way anymore, okay?" 

And Mildred cries, because maybe she isn't. Maybe she really isn't a monster. How could she be, when Gwendolyn touches her this way? How could she be, when the woman's very words are coated in the sweet syrup of pure adoration, sticky like glue as they hold her damaged heart together? 

"You... You make me feel normal, Gwendolyn. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much that alone means to me," Mildred says, and she's almost frustrated because there just aren't the right words. She wishes she could just bare her body and soul to the woman and let her see for herself. 

"A kiss would be more than enough to help me understand, my dear," Gwendolyn smiles. Mildred almost cries more, because something about her- no, everything about her- just feels so safe. 

When their lips meet, it's almost as if everything is slowed down. They mold together in the closest humanly perfection possible. Gwendolyn absently wonders if this is real, while Mildred kisses her with a more desperat fervour, chasing what she fears will dissipate into thin air if she were to let go. But Gwendolyn is not going anywhere. She's staying. She's staying. They tilt their heads, creating an whatever angle allows their mouths to press even more into each other. The taste of cigarettes is faint on Mildred's tongue when she slides it against the latter's lower lip, overpowered by an unexplained sweetness. And it's real, it's so very real. Gwendolyn's hands are on her skin, lips on lips, breaths becoming one as they slowly lose oxygen in favour of drinking all the other has to offer. Such a feeling is surely otherworldly. 

Gwendolyn knows she'll have to talk to Mildred more about everything. Nothing about them is conventional, or 'right', or safe. But this immutable force, something more commonly known as love, it doesn't fit in boxes. It doesn't listen to standards, or rules. It is its own, and only its own. In this life, Gwendolyn's love has found a home in Mildred's heart, while the latter swears to give her everything she's got in return. For now, and maybe until they breathe their last breaths, this beautiful promise may be enough. Or at least, enough fuel to do more- to do everything they possibly can, if it means they can have each other until their lives plead for mercy.

**Author's Note:**

> To everyone that I've gifted this to, I hope you liked it and I just wanted to give you all a little thank you for your kind and inspiring words! There were a few more people I wanted to gift but for some reason the system didn't allow me to tag you :( More is on the way <3 
> 
> P. S. I'll have to start working out a publishing schedule soon to balance AHS and Ratched fics and my actual life, so I may be inconsistent until then :(


End file.
